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Friday, 30 January 2009

A few nights ago I had a dream. The consultant oncologist was informing me that there was no primary source to my melanoma. It was all a big mistake and it would never come back! Reflecting on this I wonder if my unconscious mind now believes this to be true and all the telling myself that “I am lucky and will live a long and healthy life” has finally paid off! In the past I have dreamt on numerous occasions about being buried alive and free-falling off cliffs and there being no ending. I’ve cast these dreams aside as a load of rubbish. Never before have I had such a positive dream! Could this possibly echo the change in my thoughts?
Sometimes as a cancer patient I feel a fraud because all I’ve really had is a couple of operations to recover from. No prolonged chemotherapy or radiotherapy like others. But what is cancer? It’s just cells growing out of control. The illness we feel as victims is often caused by the anxiety of knowing that no-one can ever guarantee we will be cured and the effects of the treatments themselves. My biggest battle is to come to terms with no drug therapy being proven to work for MMM – and what if it reoccurs and surgery is not an option - a bit of an irony for a pharmacist! Part of me is making the most out of life on that basis – so if it is destined to return, at least I can say I’ve had a good time and remember this in order to help me get through possible tough times ahead.
Then I think about pharmacy and whether I wish to return to it. I think about the reasons I took that career path – because I wanted to help people. But maybe I can help people in other ways. I look at many people I know and want to support them with their individual areas of difficulty. I recognise that they just don’t understand how to solve the problems they believe are preventing them from being happy. They don’t know how to think more positively. I know that is true of me when people used to tell me to “think positive” early on after I received my diagnosis. I used to feel that - “how could I possibly think positively about having cancer and such a rubbish prognosis?” Yet I remember being in hospital after my major surgery and the two ladies in the same bay as me telling me that’s what you had to do – one had to have 6-9 litres drained from her abdomen every few weeks and the other felt like she had run a marathon every time she left her bed in a wheelchair with oxygen. I couldn’t perceive how they could ever think positively in their situations either! But I now realise that every horrible thing they went through was a feat and something they could be personally proud of.
Talking of marathons, it’s only 3 months to the London marathon my inspiring brothers are running. They are halfway in reaching their sponsorship goal of £4,000. This is the link to donate to Cancer Research UK - http://www.justgiving.com/tandrnicholls. Currently whilst training they are both experiencing knee problems which makes this run even more challenging for them. But I know they both can and will do it! Please, please, please help them to reach the target!


Mum said...

Darling Katie,
You are such an inspiration to us all with your positive thinking and determination. Dreams are amazing things and can definitely be reflections of what is reality; I really hope this is true for you as you are putting up such a brave fight.

Yes, the boys are hurting but you know that they would suffer anything to help you and the many millions of people who have cancer. I just wish we could all help by running marathons but for some of us, anno domini has caught up just a little bit!

Thank you to all those people who have donated to Tom and Robert's marathon appeal; they have to get at least £4,000 and it would be fantastic if they could get more!
All our love Dadxxx and Mumxxx

Annie said...

Hello Katie

You say the most amazingingly thoughtful and inspiring things..there are many mentions concerning the power of positive thought...so keep up the fight and enjoy yourself in whatevers ways you like!

I'll be walking tommorrow, as thats what i like.

love annie x

louise and david said...

HI you all. Just wanted to wish Sam a very happy 5th birthday for today.
Have fun!!!
Love Louise David Austin and Amos.xxx

Robert said...

Tom and I have 8 weeks to go. I dreamt about running the marathon last night, and it fills me with excitement and trepidation.

I've got aching knees, athletes foot spray (on my desk at work!), and if anyone can tell me a decent brand of plaster that will stick to my feet when I run, then that will be a breakthrough.

We've had a quite wonderful response to the sponsorship, and we are so grateful to every one who has donated.

There are times when you see a pledge and a comment, about your cause and why we are doing this that makes me sit back and take a breath. It really helps keep the motivation up with the training.



Anonymous said...

Dear Katie,

Inspiration is the only word I can think of at present. You are so right - positive thinking gets us through the most difficult of challenges...and taking each day as it comes helps too. You write so eloquently and have a real passion to help others. Perhaps a more philanthropic path would give you the self-fulfillment and purpose you are looking for.

love Lisa

PS: Sophie, Sam and Evie were brilliant on monday. We have some love images.