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Friday, 19 September 2008

So yesterday I had my seroma (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seroma) drained at the Marsden. However today it has reappeared! Our day-trip yesterday was not a pointless exercise – I got the reassurance that it wasn’t anything sinister. We also were told the results of the histopathology. Out of the 72 lymph nodes they pulled out of my neck/ face it was just the 6 that contained melanoma – so there was nothing more that was revealed that we didn’t already know about. And I got to see the physiotherapist again. I have to work on my posture because I am naturally leaning my head to the left and my left shoulder is now more rounded due to my lack of muscle and the scar tissue pulling things in that direction. We also said we would go ahead with the Avastin trial so will be signing the consent next week.
I’d just like to clarify what I wrote in the last entry. I am most definitely over the emotional side of the operation and I’m not ashamed of my scar and the body I’m left with. That is really the least of my concerns. My ultimate fear is for my children – that there is every possibility that sometime in the near future they will become motherless. I am devastated for them and what they will have to go through/ miss out on.
I am not sure you can really empathise with the fear of dying unless you are faced with it. I certainly didn’t. Before my diagnosis when I thought about “if I had cancer ….”, I was more concerned about the physical side of everything I would have to go through – feeling and looking ill after treatment, having to miss out on normal day to day activities, taking so much of my time away from normal life. I never considered that I wouldn’t live on afterwards.
However I recognise this thought as negative which is something I have to try and minimise. A cancer diagnosis is an opportunity to stop drifting through life rather than a death sentence. Life can become mundane if it feels like nothing ever changes. You take things/ people for granted. However faced with losing what you have, it suddenly becomes so meaningful again. That in itself really makes me feel happier – because I have never been more grateful for everything I have.


Annie said...

Hi Katie

Its amazing what you write and how you explain feelings, thoughts, emotions. I think about you often but yes I think no one can really feel that way, unless from experience.

There are also many happy, positive and beautiful times as you can see when reading all the comments. So although those thoughts keep appearing, counter each one with a positive moment.

Glad you are booked for a lovely holiday- enjoy!

lots of love

Anonymous said...

Hi Katie,

It's Alicia from Bumps and Babes(#2!).I've just heard about your ordeal and I wanted to let you know I am sending lots of postive thoughts and wishes your way. If there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know.

Lots of love,

Alicia, Stuart, Caden and Scarlett xx

Dawn said...

Hey that's great news about the test results. 6 out of 72 has got to be a good result, and you already knew about the 6. So now you can concentrate on recovering from the op, doing your physio, getting well enough to pick up Evie who will be doing her best to outstrip your returning strength by getting bigger and stronger herself! Let us know when you are off on your holiday. Wishing you a fabulous and restful time. I'll be doing my best to learn from your example and making the most of every day. Lots of love, Dawn

louise and david said...

You are very brave Katie, and so correct, we really don't appreciate what we have until it is no longer with us. However, I feel YOU are gonna be about for a fair bit longer with that attitude. Well done!! !!
You look very well in all the new photos. Love Louise and David.

Anonymous said...

Dear Katie
It seems incredible to think that when I last saw you it could only have been a matter of weeks (if not days) before your diagnosis. I was amazed at how fantastic you looked then and, as you say in your blog, so full of energy despite. It is therefore wonderful to see you looking so lovely in your recently posted photos and relaxing with your friends and family.

Reading your blog and viewing the many comments it is clear that you are one amazing lady. Despite being truly rubbish at keeping in touch, I do hope that you will let me know if I can support you and your family in any way.

Thinking of you.

Love Anna(Bumps & Babes v2, Andy, Stanley & Nancy xxxx

Nicole said...

Dear Katie and Giles

The photo of you 5 is just so wonderful and for me not having seen Giles for so many years - it puts me back to the times when Chris looked like this. Please give my love to Ursula, Chris and Daniel.
We often think of you and everything you write is exactly so. It leaves us all just hoping that your story has a happy-end and because we all want to believe that, I think, we all do. You are and have a wonderful family. Keep your fight up and I'm sure you will all succeed. All our best wishes, from Switzerland, Nicole

Anonymous said...

Hi katie - so very glad that there was no further negative news for you last week. You have been so brave and have coped magnificently with all the shock and trauma of the last two months.Stay very positive and fight back.
Your children have you now at this moment of time - enjoy, enjoy! we all spoil our lives to a certain extent worrying about what might or might not happen - you have left this behind to focus on the here and now. This is a lesson for us all. With love, Pam and Gary